X Ray Vision

If you've been paying any attention lately you've heard me bitching about Zoe's health alot lately. Well, I finally convinced the pediatrician to take some action and they scheduled Zoe for an Upper GI on Tuesday.

She was an absolute doll in the waiting room and was being fawned over by all the old ladies waiting for their osteo scans. She hadn't had anything to eat since midnight so I was praying my good luck held and they would call her back soon.

They did.

And as soon as we got in the room - monkey's special brand of super power showed itself.

As soon as we sat down in the Xray area, she began blowing rasberries at the Xray tech, who was a nice young guy teaching two new X ray techs how to scan infants.

They all thought the rasberries were cute. I thought about warning them, but decided they probably wouldn't believe me anyway.

She looked all around the room with wary interest and a clear "What the fuck am I doing HERE?" sort of expression on her face. The kindly teacher gentleman approached me and let me know what our doctors name would be and proceeded to give this long, somewhat patronizing (and later ironic) speech. It went something like this (imagine a better looking Barney Fife in whites with a really country accent now)

"Ma'am, now don't you worry here. Yer little girl is gowna be just fahn. We do this evUHry day and there's nothing out thar that we cain't handle. You MUST stay behind the glass barrier at all times".

I tried to assure him I wasn't "that" mom and his reponse was "NO NO NO, A'hm thayat kahnda Dad. Ah know how it is".

Ummm...Ok. whatever you just said.

Enter the doctor, who will later name my child Ella Diablo for reasons that will become clear shortly. He is a kindly fellow by the name of Montoyez and I can barely contain my urge to chat "Hello! My name is Inigo Montoya, you killed my father, prepare to DIE!". He explains the procedure which involves feeding my starving child barium and then taking pictures of her tummy.

I started to feel a little uneasy at this point so I said "Um, I think I should tell you she is VERY strong and VERY stubborn. She doesn't like to be restrained at all". I again got the speech from the kindly doctor Montoyez about how I should remain behind the barrier and they could handle anything that came their way. There were four of them all told. I thought it would be ok.

Now I'm behind the barrier, watching in fascination as my sweet baby's little tummy comes up on the monitor in Xray contrast. I see her little heart and her tiny little fist waving through her ribs. Ok, that part was sort of weird, but it was still cool.

I was so busy watching the barium slide down her esophagus that I only partially heard the struggles coming from the Xray table. They were getting louder though, and harder to ignore.

My fascination was blown all to hell when I heard the doctor call out "WHERE IS SHE??? I can't find her!"

Mommy vision snapped to and I frantically looked past the glass barrier to see the two McXrayTechs scrambling and reaching for her and the doctor grabbing for something.

OUT SHE COMES!!!!

She shot out of that Xray chamber on her hands and knees and almost made it over the edge of the table before they got her.

"Ok Mom, why don't you go ahead and come out here and give us a hand. Lead her up"

I felt like I was in an episode of ER. The attendants put the lead vest on me and tied it while I was striding confidently toward the Xray table where my sweet daughter is now...yep...you guessed...Ella Diablo. She is screaming and crying and twisting and with FOUR of us holding her down we can't get into position to take the damn picture. One more person came over to help position her, making FIVE. After another moment of scuffling with this freakishly strong 10 month old they decided to take a break. It was like trying to play Twister with a snake.

I felt so badly for her. She was crying and scared and hungry.

My ASS they could handle anything that went on out there! The nurses kept coming by and telling me she'd never need a body guard and the doctor needed to take a break because she made him sweat so bad. Yeah, I know...it's kind of pathetic but give him a break, he's only a Radiologist. It's not like he lifts anything much heavier than an XRAY all day!!!

After 10 minutes of soothing I finally got her calmed down and we tried again. We didn't do very well, but it only took four of us this time and we did get a picture.

They were very self congratulating after it was over and complimented me on the strength of my sweetie. I'm sure they felt they'd had their aerobic activity for the day. I'm also sure they all went home and told their families about it.

As for Baby Monkey, they didn't find anything abnormal, which is good. They have switched her meds to something different to see if it works.

God willing we won't have to put her or anyone else through that again!

I told you she was a freakin' superhero!