Good evening listeners and welcome to tonights broadcast.
Tonight we're on location from that dark and strange realm where zebra buffalos roam and everything takes on that sort of fuzzy, can't focus the screen sort of look. It's a place we visited often in our youth but in the late summer of our lives decided we'd had enough of along with other places like Spring Break Ft. Lauderdale and the floor in front of the toilet in our best friends creepy garage apartment.
The place my friends, is Sleep Deprivation Land.
This is what "teething" can do. It's a rather plain, innocuous word isn't it? It's polite, to the point and descriptive. What it DOESN'T do is appropriately convey the effect it can have on your child.
Teething can turn your kid into a screaming, inconsoleable banshee.
Teething can give them a fever, a sore mouth and a diaper rash all at the same time. All of these things my child has right now.
Imagine yourself in this predicament. It would be terrible.
Ok...I'm off to sleep now!
Tuesday, October 24, 2006
Thursday, October 19, 2006
X Ray Vision
If you've been paying any attention lately you've heard me bitching about Zoe's health alot lately. Well, I finally convinced the pediatrician to take some action and they scheduled Zoe for an Upper GI on Tuesday.
She was an absolute doll in the waiting room and was being fawned over by all the old ladies waiting for their osteo scans. She hadn't had anything to eat since midnight so I was praying my good luck held and they would call her back soon.
They did.
And as soon as we got in the room - monkey's special brand of super power showed itself.
As soon as we sat down in the Xray area, she began blowing rasberries at the Xray tech, who was a nice young guy teaching two new X ray techs how to scan infants.
They all thought the rasberries were cute. I thought about warning them, but decided they probably wouldn't believe me anyway.
She looked all around the room with wary interest and a clear "What the fuck am I doing HERE?" sort of expression on her face. The kindly teacher gentleman approached me and let me know what our doctors name would be and proceeded to give this long, somewhat patronizing (and later ironic) speech. It went something like this (imagine a better looking Barney Fife in whites with a really country accent now)
"Ma'am, now don't you worry here. Yer little girl is gowna be just fahn. We do this evUHry day and there's nothing out thar that we cain't handle. You MUST stay behind the glass barrier at all times".
I tried to assure him I wasn't "that" mom and his reponse was "NO NO NO, A'hm thayat kahnda Dad. Ah know how it is".
Ummm...Ok. whatever you just said.
Enter the doctor, who will later name my child Ella Diablo for reasons that will become clear shortly. He is a kindly fellow by the name of Montoyez and I can barely contain my urge to chat "Hello! My name is Inigo Montoya, you killed my father, prepare to DIE!". He explains the procedure which involves feeding my starving child barium and then taking pictures of her tummy.
I started to feel a little uneasy at this point so I said "Um, I think I should tell you she is VERY strong and VERY stubborn. She doesn't like to be restrained at all". I again got the speech from the kindly doctor Montoyez about how I should remain behind the barrier and they could handle anything that came their way. There were four of them all told. I thought it would be ok.
Now I'm behind the barrier, watching in fascination as my sweet baby's little tummy comes up on the monitor in Xray contrast. I see her little heart and her tiny little fist waving through her ribs. Ok, that part was sort of weird, but it was still cool.
I was so busy watching the barium slide down her esophagus that I only partially heard the struggles coming from the Xray table. They were getting louder though, and harder to ignore.
My fascination was blown all to hell when I heard the doctor call out "WHERE IS SHE??? I can't find her!"
Mommy vision snapped to and I frantically looked past the glass barrier to see the two McXrayTechs scrambling and reaching for her and the doctor grabbing for something.
OUT SHE COMES!!!!
She shot out of that Xray chamber on her hands and knees and almost made it over the edge of the table before they got her.
"Ok Mom, why don't you go ahead and come out here and give us a hand. Lead her up"
I felt like I was in an episode of ER. The attendants put the lead vest on me and tied it while I was striding confidently toward the Xray table where my sweet daughter is now...yep...you guessed...Ella Diablo. She is screaming and crying and twisting and with FOUR of us holding her down we can't get into position to take the damn picture. One more person came over to help position her, making FIVE. After another moment of scuffling with this freakishly strong 10 month old they decided to take a break. It was like trying to play Twister with a snake.
I felt so badly for her. She was crying and scared and hungry.
My ASS they could handle anything that went on out there! The nurses kept coming by and telling me she'd never need a body guard and the doctor needed to take a break because she made him sweat so bad. Yeah, I know...it's kind of pathetic but give him a break, he's only a Radiologist. It's not like he lifts anything much heavier than an XRAY all day!!!
After 10 minutes of soothing I finally got her calmed down and we tried again. We didn't do very well, but it only took four of us this time and we did get a picture.
They were very self congratulating after it was over and complimented me on the strength of my sweetie. I'm sure they felt they'd had their aerobic activity for the day. I'm also sure they all went home and told their families about it.
As for Baby Monkey, they didn't find anything abnormal, which is good. They have switched her meds to something different to see if it works.
God willing we won't have to put her or anyone else through that again!
I told you she was a freakin' superhero!
She was an absolute doll in the waiting room and was being fawned over by all the old ladies waiting for their osteo scans. She hadn't had anything to eat since midnight so I was praying my good luck held and they would call her back soon.
They did.
And as soon as we got in the room - monkey's special brand of super power showed itself.
As soon as we sat down in the Xray area, she began blowing rasberries at the Xray tech, who was a nice young guy teaching two new X ray techs how to scan infants.
They all thought the rasberries were cute. I thought about warning them, but decided they probably wouldn't believe me anyway.
She looked all around the room with wary interest and a clear "What the fuck am I doing HERE?" sort of expression on her face. The kindly teacher gentleman approached me and let me know what our doctors name would be and proceeded to give this long, somewhat patronizing (and later ironic) speech. It went something like this (imagine a better looking Barney Fife in whites with a really country accent now)
"Ma'am, now don't you worry here. Yer little girl is gowna be just fahn. We do this evUHry day and there's nothing out thar that we cain't handle. You MUST stay behind the glass barrier at all times".
I tried to assure him I wasn't "that" mom and his reponse was "NO NO NO, A'hm thayat kahnda Dad. Ah know how it is".
Ummm...Ok. whatever you just said.
Enter the doctor, who will later name my child Ella Diablo for reasons that will become clear shortly. He is a kindly fellow by the name of Montoyez and I can barely contain my urge to chat "Hello! My name is Inigo Montoya, you killed my father, prepare to DIE!". He explains the procedure which involves feeding my starving child barium and then taking pictures of her tummy.
I started to feel a little uneasy at this point so I said "Um, I think I should tell you she is VERY strong and VERY stubborn. She doesn't like to be restrained at all". I again got the speech from the kindly doctor Montoyez about how I should remain behind the barrier and they could handle anything that came their way. There were four of them all told. I thought it would be ok.
Now I'm behind the barrier, watching in fascination as my sweet baby's little tummy comes up on the monitor in Xray contrast. I see her little heart and her tiny little fist waving through her ribs. Ok, that part was sort of weird, but it was still cool.
I was so busy watching the barium slide down her esophagus that I only partially heard the struggles coming from the Xray table. They were getting louder though, and harder to ignore.
My fascination was blown all to hell when I heard the doctor call out "WHERE IS SHE??? I can't find her!"
Mommy vision snapped to and I frantically looked past the glass barrier to see the two McXrayTechs scrambling and reaching for her and the doctor grabbing for something.
OUT SHE COMES!!!!
She shot out of that Xray chamber on her hands and knees and almost made it over the edge of the table before they got her.
"Ok Mom, why don't you go ahead and come out here and give us a hand. Lead her up"
I felt like I was in an episode of ER. The attendants put the lead vest on me and tied it while I was striding confidently toward the Xray table where my sweet daughter is now...yep...you guessed...Ella Diablo. She is screaming and crying and twisting and with FOUR of us holding her down we can't get into position to take the damn picture. One more person came over to help position her, making FIVE. After another moment of scuffling with this freakishly strong 10 month old they decided to take a break. It was like trying to play Twister with a snake.
I felt so badly for her. She was crying and scared and hungry.
My ASS they could handle anything that went on out there! The nurses kept coming by and telling me she'd never need a body guard and the doctor needed to take a break because she made him sweat so bad. Yeah, I know...it's kind of pathetic but give him a break, he's only a Radiologist. It's not like he lifts anything much heavier than an XRAY all day!!!
After 10 minutes of soothing I finally got her calmed down and we tried again. We didn't do very well, but it only took four of us this time and we did get a picture.
They were very self congratulating after it was over and complimented me on the strength of my sweetie. I'm sure they felt they'd had their aerobic activity for the day. I'm also sure they all went home and told their families about it.
As for Baby Monkey, they didn't find anything abnormal, which is good. They have switched her meds to something different to see if it works.
God willing we won't have to put her or anyone else through that again!
I told you she was a freakin' superhero!
Monday, October 16, 2006
My poor ASS
I can't freaking believe it! I FELL again today. This is the SECOND time I have fallen in three months. The first time was bad...I sprained my ankle. At least so far this time all seems to be ok.
I hydroplaned in our car port. It is smooth concrete and therefore very slippery when damp and WHOOSH...out went my feet from under me!!! Thank GOD mom was holding Zoe...and I can't imagine having fallen with her in my arms. It all happened to fast.
I sort of slid down one leg and onto my butt and then hit my head. I'm ok though. Just fine.
Zoe laughed on my way down and continued to laugh while I lay there.
That's my girl!!!!
I hydroplaned in our car port. It is smooth concrete and therefore very slippery when damp and WHOOSH...out went my feet from under me!!! Thank GOD mom was holding Zoe...and I can't imagine having fallen with her in my arms. It all happened to fast.
I sort of slid down one leg and onto my butt and then hit my head. I'm ok though. Just fine.
Zoe laughed on my way down and continued to laugh while I lay there.
That's my girl!!!!
My Poor Baby Monkey
Well kids...this is it. They are finally going to do a swallow study on Zoe. This is essentially an upper GI for babies.
Mom took her in last week for her 7th cold and 7th ear infection in 6 months and they gave her amoxicillin again and it made her throw up...again. I took her in first thing this morning and they said she may be allergic to penicillin.
We also talked at length about her reflux and they aren't 100% sure that's what it is. It could be something called Pyloric Stenosis and they want to rule that out. This means that her pyloric muscle (valve) may be thicker than it should and that her stomach isn't processing food properly.
It's a good thing, because we'll know for sure if it's reflux or something else and we'll know how to treat it better. But I can't help thinking each day that this kid is already on TOO many medicines and has to deal with too much yucky sickness.
She's such a sweet baby and never complains, and I know when she does crab she must be feeling really badly.
I feel (I hope irrationally) that I am a bad mom because I can't make her better. I gave her these genes and she didn't catch a break in the allergy department and what else could go wrong???
And then I feel guilty because there are babies out there with lukemia and other really bad things and this is a drop in the bucket but it's wearing me down. So I generally feel like a bad mom and a bad person and ungrateful and stupid.
I'm probably just bitching because of rain. It's not about me anyway, it's about her...and that she never feels good. And she doesn't get over one cold before moving on to the next one, or an ear infection, or a stomach virus or a new medicine. It just never ends.
Thank god for Sweet Monkey Baby. I would do anything for her...I just hope to hell she didn't inherit our back problems!
Mom took her in last week for her 7th cold and 7th ear infection in 6 months and they gave her amoxicillin again and it made her throw up...again. I took her in first thing this morning and they said she may be allergic to penicillin.
We also talked at length about her reflux and they aren't 100% sure that's what it is. It could be something called Pyloric Stenosis and they want to rule that out. This means that her pyloric muscle (valve) may be thicker than it should and that her stomach isn't processing food properly.
It's a good thing, because we'll know for sure if it's reflux or something else and we'll know how to treat it better. But I can't help thinking each day that this kid is already on TOO many medicines and has to deal with too much yucky sickness.
She's such a sweet baby and never complains, and I know when she does crab she must be feeling really badly.
I feel (I hope irrationally) that I am a bad mom because I can't make her better. I gave her these genes and she didn't catch a break in the allergy department and what else could go wrong???
And then I feel guilty because there are babies out there with lukemia and other really bad things and this is a drop in the bucket but it's wearing me down. So I generally feel like a bad mom and a bad person and ungrateful and stupid.
I'm probably just bitching because of rain. It's not about me anyway, it's about her...and that she never feels good. And she doesn't get over one cold before moving on to the next one, or an ear infection, or a stomach virus or a new medicine. It just never ends.
Thank god for Sweet Monkey Baby. I would do anything for her...I just hope to hell she didn't inherit our back problems!
Thursday, October 12, 2006
On the road again...
I've been away since Monday and it's starting to get to me. I miss Zoe and David so much and I've been sick the whole time I've been here. Fortunately the conference is in Dallas so I've been staying with my sister and that has been great.
It's good to see her and it's like old times again when we used to live together. There is also a Target down the street and I've done some serious damange to their little girls clothes department. SSSSooooooo cute. So cute. CUTE.
This is going to be short but I"m posting picture, so there! These are from a local communities Pumpkin Festival last weekend.
It's good to see her and it's like old times again when we used to live together. There is also a Target down the street and I've done some serious damange to their little girls clothes department. SSSSooooooo cute. So cute. CUTE.
This is going to be short but I"m posting picture, so there! These are from a local communities Pumpkin Festival last weekend.
Thursday, October 05, 2006
Funny Stuff
Here's a fun game to play. Post your answer in a comment please for all to enjoy. You don't have to post anything else but your sentence!
Make a sentence using the criteria below:
Pick the month you were born:
January--I kicked
February--I loved
March--I smoked
April--I dry humped
May--I choked on
June--I murdered
July--I did the Macarena with
August--I had lunch with
September--I danced with
October--I sang to
November--I yelled at
December--I ran over
Pick the day (number) you were born on:
1-------a birdbath
2-------a monster
3-------a phone
4-------a fork
5-------a Mexican
6-------a gangster
7-------my cell phone
8-------my dog
9-------my best friends' boyfriend
10-------my neighbor
11-------my science teacher
12-------a banana
13-------a fireman
14-------a stuffed animal
15-------a goat
16-------a pickle
17-------your mom
18-------a spoon
19-------myself
20-------a baseball bat
21-------a ninja
22-------Chuck Norris
23-------a noodle
24-------a squirrel
25-------a football player
26-------my sister
27-------my brother
28-------an ipod
29-------a permanent marker
30-------a llama
31-------A homeless guy
Pick the color of shirt you are wearing:
White----------because I'm cool like that.
Black-----------because that's how I roll.
Red------------because the voices told me to.
Blue-----------because I'm sexy and I do what I want.
Green---------because I got my sexy back.
Purple---------because I didn't want to get voted off the island.
Gray----------because I was drunk.
Yellow--------because a dingo was about to eat my baby.
Orange-------because I hate my family.
Brown--------because I was high.
Other-------because I'm a ninja.
None--------because I can't control myself.
Make a sentence using the criteria below:
Pick the month you were born:
January--I kicked
February--I loved
March--I smoked
April--I dry humped
May--I choked on
June--I murdered
July--I did the Macarena with
August--I had lunch with
September--I danced with
October--I sang to
November--I yelled at
December--I ran over
Pick the day (number) you were born on:
1-------a birdbath
2-------a monster
3-------a phone
4-------a fork
5-------a Mexican
6-------a gangster
7-------my cell phone
8-------my dog
9-------my best friends' boyfriend
10-------my neighbor
11-------my science teacher
12-------a banana
13-------a fireman
14-------a stuffed animal
15-------a goat
16-------a pickle
17-------your mom
18-------a spoon
19-------myself
20-------a baseball bat
21-------a ninja
22-------Chuck Norris
23-------a noodle
24-------a squirrel
25-------a football player
26-------my sister
27-------my brother
28-------an ipod
29-------a permanent marker
30-------a llama
31-------A homeless guy
Pick the color of shirt you are wearing:
White----------because I'm cool like that.
Black-----------because that's how I roll.
Red------------because the voices told me to.
Blue-----------because I'm sexy and I do what I want.
Green---------because I got my sexy back.
Purple---------because I didn't want to get voted off the island.
Gray----------because I was drunk.
Yellow--------because a dingo was about to eat my baby.
Orange-------because I hate my family.
Brown--------because I was high.
Other-------because I'm a ninja.
None--------because I can't control myself.
Having Another One
I was stalking the Trying to Conceive boards over on Ovusoft today and I couldn't help but miss the excitement of trying for a baby and the wonder of finding out that we were pregnant. I will never forget that day as long as I live.
It was in April, going into the busy season for me at work. I travel alot in June and July every year and it was the beginning of "conference" season. Our nephew Ethan was born on April 5th, and it had been a little rough. I love my sister in law like a blood sister and nothing made me happier for her than to have a healthy child - especially since they fought fertility issues for so long. It was hard though. If my first pregnancy had gone to term we would have followed her with a child of our own in late May. Fuck I still get so sad when I think of that time.
So Rachel had Ethan and we were all in the delivery room positively beaming over Ethan and I was trying so hard not to cry when Rache's mother in law leaned over and said "we'll be here for you in nine months". I was so grateful for that small and completley generous kindness. That day wasn't about me, shouldn't have been about me and here this wonderful woman stopped and was thoughtful enough to comfort me and give me a small amount of grace. And apparently luck too...because we conceived Zoe that week.
David and I were both sicker than dogs with the flu and we laughingly said if we conceived that month it damn sure wouldn't be out of love! It would just be sheer mechanics.
Fast forward to the end of the month and my boss and I were up in the northern part of the state at a conference. I had already tested negative on several pregnancy tests. Jennifer remarked several times that day how men were staring at me and she needed to go places with me more often. I also kept petting my tummy all afternoon absently. I didn't think anything of it until, on our way home, we stopped for a drink and I wanted V8 more than anything I could think of. I'm not really a fan, but the first time I was pregnant I craved the V8 like it was going out of style.
As soon as I got home I ran out to Walmart and picked up some digital pregnancy tests. I took one and OMG it IMMEDIATELY came up PREGNANT. I was a little in shock. I was so sure I wasn't pregnant that month.
David was due home any minute so after quietly calling my mom I went and sat on the porch and waited for him to come home. I was sort of overcome. I was overjoyed and terrified all at the same time. Our marriage barely survived losing our first - we had openly talked about our fears we couldn't survive losing another pregnancy.
He pulled up in our ragged gravel drive and as soon as he was out of the car and on the lawn he looked at me and said "You're pregnant". I don't honestly remember much after that - just some celebrating. It was increcible.
It seems like forever ago. I guess it was almost two years ago...18 months at least.
I can't imagine not having Zoe anymore...I can't remember what we did without her.
I do want to lose about 80 lbs before we have another one, which means it is time to get off my ass and get healthy. I want that so badly but have a hard time encouraging myself. You'd think she'd be enough of an incentive! I just need to get honest and get real about our lifestyle.
When we move in the winter it should be easier.
so thoughts of another are on my brain...whatever will we do?
It was in April, going into the busy season for me at work. I travel alot in June and July every year and it was the beginning of "conference" season. Our nephew Ethan was born on April 5th, and it had been a little rough. I love my sister in law like a blood sister and nothing made me happier for her than to have a healthy child - especially since they fought fertility issues for so long. It was hard though. If my first pregnancy had gone to term we would have followed her with a child of our own in late May. Fuck I still get so sad when I think of that time.
So Rachel had Ethan and we were all in the delivery room positively beaming over Ethan and I was trying so hard not to cry when Rache's mother in law leaned over and said "we'll be here for you in nine months". I was so grateful for that small and completley generous kindness. That day wasn't about me, shouldn't have been about me and here this wonderful woman stopped and was thoughtful enough to comfort me and give me a small amount of grace. And apparently luck too...because we conceived Zoe that week.
David and I were both sicker than dogs with the flu and we laughingly said if we conceived that month it damn sure wouldn't be out of love! It would just be sheer mechanics.
Fast forward to the end of the month and my boss and I were up in the northern part of the state at a conference. I had already tested negative on several pregnancy tests. Jennifer remarked several times that day how men were staring at me and she needed to go places with me more often. I also kept petting my tummy all afternoon absently. I didn't think anything of it until, on our way home, we stopped for a drink and I wanted V8 more than anything I could think of. I'm not really a fan, but the first time I was pregnant I craved the V8 like it was going out of style.
As soon as I got home I ran out to Walmart and picked up some digital pregnancy tests. I took one and OMG it IMMEDIATELY came up PREGNANT. I was a little in shock. I was so sure I wasn't pregnant that month.
David was due home any minute so after quietly calling my mom I went and sat on the porch and waited for him to come home. I was sort of overcome. I was overjoyed and terrified all at the same time. Our marriage barely survived losing our first - we had openly talked about our fears we couldn't survive losing another pregnancy.
He pulled up in our ragged gravel drive and as soon as he was out of the car and on the lawn he looked at me and said "You're pregnant". I don't honestly remember much after that - just some celebrating. It was increcible.
It seems like forever ago. I guess it was almost two years ago...18 months at least.
I can't imagine not having Zoe anymore...I can't remember what we did without her.
I do want to lose about 80 lbs before we have another one, which means it is time to get off my ass and get healthy. I want that so badly but have a hard time encouraging myself. You'd think she'd be enough of an incentive! I just need to get honest and get real about our lifestyle.
When we move in the winter it should be easier.
so thoughts of another are on my brain...whatever will we do?
Wednesday, October 04, 2006
The Hard Truth
Before you have children things like being pooped on, boogers, farting in public and a myriad of other things in that category are not only deemed inappropriate and impolite conversation at dinner, they just aren't done!
I can't tell you how many classy, sexy mothers I know who swore they would never resort to "mom" behaviors eventually endup doing things like smelling their kids butts to see if they've pooped. I do it. You do it. Come on...admit it. I'm a butt smeller.
There are also things you could never imagine that come with having a child. Like having your baby actually throw up a little in your mouth. Oh sure, you can call it nice things like "spit up" but anyone out there with a reflux baby KNOWS it ain't spit up. DON'T SHAKE UP REFLUX BABIE PEOPLE!! They will barf in your mouth.
It's disgusting I know, but that's love for you.
I can't tell you how many classy, sexy mothers I know who swore they would never resort to "mom" behaviors eventually endup doing things like smelling their kids butts to see if they've pooped. I do it. You do it. Come on...admit it. I'm a butt smeller.
There are also things you could never imagine that come with having a child. Like having your baby actually throw up a little in your mouth. Oh sure, you can call it nice things like "spit up" but anyone out there with a reflux baby KNOWS it ain't spit up. DON'T SHAKE UP REFLUX BABIE PEOPLE!! They will barf in your mouth.
It's disgusting I know, but that's love for you.
A Whole New Look...
Anyone who watched last nights episode of Nip/Tuck knows that sometimes changing your look isn't such a good thing. BUT....you may now notice el bloggo looks a little bit differently and that's because like all good techno geeks I'm beta testing the new blogger for them!
If you notice anything weird, please let me know in comments.
If you notice anything weird, please let me know in comments.
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