Ladies and Gentleman, a word about naked time

A Word about Naked Time,

Every parent knows the risks and benefits of naked time. The benefits can be a fun, soothing and harmonious time before bed in which the child delights in the newness of nudeness. It’s healthful and freeing and teaches all that the human body is ok.

What I want to caution you about are the risks. Ok, so the kid might pee on the floor a time or two and that’s ok, because frankly it’s not such a yucky thing to clean up. It’s the poo that you have to watch out for.

Every night after dinner we let Zoe have her naked time. She runs around the house with complete abandon, enjoying being free of the stress of the day. Naked time (which sometimes is story time too) then becomes bath time.

Tonight, whilst enjoying her perfectly “free and clear” promenade around the house I noticed a particular look of concentration come over Zoe’s face. “Uh oh” the slow reacting idiot in my brain thought. I got to her too late. The product of her concentration had already made its break for freedom and was halfway there. “My God!” that idiot thought “we usually have more warning”. As if it would matter. By that time, she had shit on the floor. I’ve cleaned up a lot of cat turds in my time, but this was a yucko factor of 10. What really gets me is the JOY with which she was pooping. I almost didn’t want to inhibit her. Thinking these thoughts the jackass operating my brain lost about 10 more seconds. The other shoe had dropped. Only this time, she stepped in it. The similarity of the situation to one of our slightly slow cat Jupiter hit me. I remembered him litter training and stepping in his poop. It was an awful mess to clean up.

NOW the dimwit manning the controls upstairs kicked into emergency gear and I screamed “DIAPER!!! DIAPER!!! DIAPER!!!” while picking her up bodily and holding her about a foot out from my body. Oh how she fought as we tried to get a diaper on her. She knew she’d never have it again and wanted to give it hell.

It was war, and she came out cannons blazing. As David was cleaning her up, she farted all over him. Like a good soldier he tried to finish up without gagging, but nearly didn’t make it. It was a close thing.

I think we’ll be on full alert tomorrow night, waiting for the same thing to happen. And I think we’ve learned an important lesson…even your birthday suit can pick up a stain.

Daddy and Baby

So I was asked by a very dear friend today to be a groomsman in his wedding. For me, that's something not taken for granted. It means more than just standing during the ceremony trying not to look bored. A friend has invited me to present myself publically and represent him. I will bear as a symbol of his life before her, and after joining hands with the assigned bridesmaid, I'll be a symbol of their union together. So even their pasts will hold hands. It's easy to forget the power of that symbolism. At least, that's how I feel about it. Of course, all I'm really thinking when I'm up there is don't yawn, don't pick your nose, and most especially, don't roll your eyes. "I love you Linda. Your heart and my heart are one, never to be set asunder. Never to be parted, partitioned, apportioned, or abstracted" My eye's roll, maybe a little gagging. Then the preacher punches me in the face.

But along with asking me to be a groomsman, they'd like Happy Baby Monkey to be a flower girl. It's kind of surreal that my role as a symbol of someone else's life, would also involve the biggest symbol of love in mine.

I just hope she doesn't poop her pants.

Fun in the Bathroom

Daddy Baby Monkey is an incredible husband and daddy. I've said it before and as you see I'm not afraid to say it again. He does awesome things like giving me a break everynight when gets home and giving HBM a bath.

One night, whilst I'm effing around in the computer room and DBM is preparing to give HBM a bath, I hear an unexplained commotion.

Out of my foggy consciousness I hear:

"Zoe! Zoe No. Oh GROSS! Jesus! NO NO...oh Zoe OCKEY! OCKEY" (That's our word for ickey).

Silence - then - wait for it -

SPLASH!

The world speeds up into real time again and out comes David with pants hanging down half around his ankles holding Zoe out from him like she's a prairie dog with the plague.

"TOWELS! TOWELS! I need to clean her hands!" he shouts.

I scramble to get towels as he, writhing between hilarity and sheer disgust, begins to explain.

You see, Zoe is just tall enough to fit between DBM's legs when he stands up. DBM stands up to pee. Zoe, being fond of the water spout in the bathtub AND being rather intelligent if I do say so myself, hears water from a "spout" just like the bathtub. Ever the curious little monkey, she goes to investigate.

Here's how it went down.

David begins to pee. HBM toddles between his legs, placing herself strategicallly ah...under the "water faucet". She leans over to see what's going on (sort of like one of those water toys where the bird dips it's head in the water glass). That's when the shouting began. You can IMAGINE what happens when you leans over into the stream. I'll break it down for you. He pee'd on her. Go easy on him, he didn't mean to, but it happened. I'd stake my sanity on the fact it isn't the first this has happened to a child either.

Completely uncaring that her head is now in the "faucet" she decided to dunk her hand in the toilet and see what's going on. That's when the screams of OCKEY OCKEY began.

I just about pee'd my pants when he told me.

There is nothing on this earth that is as much of a three stooges episode as parenting.

That's all.

Daddy Baby Monkey

Wow, what a nice way to say I love you! Mommy Monkey has given me a spare set of keys to this blog and I've been told to introduce myself. I'm not sure who reads this, nor am I sure about whether or not yon readers know me. If not, you will in the coming months. Right now my mind isn't in the most creative of states. Think of an old shoe in a trashcan, and you'll know wher I'm at. So instead I'll share my current favorite picture of The Monkey. That's her trying to catch snowflakes on her tongue!

Happy Valentines Day

I'd just like to say Happy Valentine's Day from the Happy Baby Monkey family! We hope you are as rich in love as we have been this past year.

A happy new development is that Daddy Baby Monkey will now be posting as well as me! Welcome Daddy Baby Monkey! We look forward to your first post!

Also, thank you to our big fan who came forward and let us know what was going on with the spike in page views. We're very happy to have such a dedicated follower and we apologize for any embarassment we may have caused you. After watching 2,348 episodes of NBC's "To Catch a Predator", I've decided you just can't ever be too careful. Please feel free to stop by as often as you would like.

Hope you enjoy the eye candy!

Eating Crow....er...boogers

Many of you will remember this post. It's still one of my favorites.

Well. *sigh* I have to eat some crow.

When you have a child you dream that she will be the perfect little lady. That she will always be clean, have a bow in her hair and will never, ever be one of those snot nosed kids that you see running around Walmart pulling pickle jars off shelves and screaming "MOM! I POOPED!!!".

Those dreams are quickly shattered when your child comes.

Today I stopped and got at Sonic before coming to work and when the carhop came to deliver my order she sort of just stared blankly at me for a few seconds. Ok, well, I THOUGH she was staring at me. It was then I realized I had been hearing subliminally little smacking noises of goodness coming from Zoe's mouth and little satisfied "mmmm Mmmmss".

I turned in my seat to see a ginormous booger on her finger. My heart started pounding and I felt very much like those those characters in Hitchcock movies look when the camera zooms in on them at a weird angle. I could hear myself internally screaming "NooooooOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo" as she began licking the booger. I'll spare you the details of what transpired next. Suffice it to say that A good time was had by all and Zoe was greatly disappointed when her little treat was gone.

Although it seemed like ages, this all occurred within a few mortifying seconds and I again became aware of the carhop, who was uncomfortably waiting for me to pay her. I shoved a $20 in her hand and got my change, then tipped her a dollar for her trouble and thanked her for always being "so nice" to us. I hope she keeps her mouth shut.

I was mortified. Wracked with hilarity as well, but utterly mortified.

Hi, I'm Kris, and I'm the mother of a booger eater. No judgment here. Just peace and understanding.