Having Another One

I was stalking the Trying to Conceive boards over on Ovusoft today and I couldn't help but miss the excitement of trying for a baby and the wonder of finding out that we were pregnant. I will never forget that day as long as I live.

It was in April, going into the busy season for me at work. I travel alot in June and July every year and it was the beginning of "conference" season. Our nephew Ethan was born on April 5th, and it had been a little rough. I love my sister in law like a blood sister and nothing made me happier for her than to have a healthy child - especially since they fought fertility issues for so long. It was hard though. If my first pregnancy had gone to term we would have followed her with a child of our own in late May. Fuck I still get so sad when I think of that time.

So Rachel had Ethan and we were all in the delivery room positively beaming over Ethan and I was trying so hard not to cry when Rache's mother in law leaned over and said "we'll be here for you in nine months". I was so grateful for that small and completley generous kindness. That day wasn't about me, shouldn't have been about me and here this wonderful woman stopped and was thoughtful enough to comfort me and give me a small amount of grace. And apparently luck too...because we conceived Zoe that week.

David and I were both sicker than dogs with the flu and we laughingly said if we conceived that month it damn sure wouldn't be out of love! It would just be sheer mechanics.

Fast forward to the end of the month and my boss and I were up in the northern part of the state at a conference. I had already tested negative on several pregnancy tests. Jennifer remarked several times that day how men were staring at me and she needed to go places with me more often. I also kept petting my tummy all afternoon absently. I didn't think anything of it until, on our way home, we stopped for a drink and I wanted V8 more than anything I could think of. I'm not really a fan, but the first time I was pregnant I craved the V8 like it was going out of style.

As soon as I got home I ran out to Walmart and picked up some digital pregnancy tests. I took one and OMG it IMMEDIATELY came up PREGNANT. I was a little in shock. I was so sure I wasn't pregnant that month.

David was due home any minute so after quietly calling my mom I went and sat on the porch and waited for him to come home. I was sort of overcome. I was overjoyed and terrified all at the same time. Our marriage barely survived losing our first - we had openly talked about our fears we couldn't survive losing another pregnancy.

He pulled up in our ragged gravel drive and as soon as he was out of the car and on the lawn he looked at me and said "You're pregnant". I don't honestly remember much after that - just some celebrating. It was increcible.

It seems like forever ago. I guess it was almost two years ago...18 months at least.

I can't imagine not having Zoe anymore...I can't remember what we did without her.

I do want to lose about 80 lbs before we have another one, which means it is time to get off my ass and get healthy. I want that so badly but have a hard time encouraging myself. You'd think she'd be enough of an incentive! I just need to get honest and get real about our lifestyle.

When we move in the winter it should be easier.

so thoughts of another are on my brain...whatever will we do?