My Poor Baby Monkey

Well kids...this is it. They are finally going to do a swallow study on Zoe. This is essentially an upper GI for babies.

Mom took her in last week for her 7th cold and 7th ear infection in 6 months and they gave her amoxicillin again and it made her throw up...again. I took her in first thing this morning and they said she may be allergic to penicillin.

We also talked at length about her reflux and they aren't 100% sure that's what it is. It could be something called Pyloric Stenosis and they want to rule that out. This means that her pyloric muscle (valve) may be thicker than it should and that her stomach isn't processing food properly.

It's a good thing, because we'll know for sure if it's reflux or something else and we'll know how to treat it better. But I can't help thinking each day that this kid is already on TOO many medicines and has to deal with too much yucky sickness.

She's such a sweet baby and never complains, and I know when she does crab she must be feeling really badly.

I feel (I hope irrationally) that I am a bad mom because I can't make her better. I gave her these genes and she didn't catch a break in the allergy department and what else could go wrong???

And then I feel guilty because there are babies out there with lukemia and other really bad things and this is a drop in the bucket but it's wearing me down. So I generally feel like a bad mom and a bad person and ungrateful and stupid.

I'm probably just bitching because of rain. It's not about me anyway, it's about her...and that she never feels good. And she doesn't get over one cold before moving on to the next one, or an ear infection, or a stomach virus or a new medicine. It just never ends.

Thank god for Sweet Monkey Baby. I would do anything for her...I just hope to hell she didn't inherit our back problems!