On Being a Modern Woman

I went to college, got the degree, got the job and in 3 years moved up the ranks from being a secretary to the head of my own department. I always thought I'd be the kind of woman who was only content with a family and a career.

Working has always brought me deep satisfaction. Imagine my surprise when domesticity began to suit me better! The first month of maternity leave I spent holding Zoe. I got to know the breadth and depth of her; learned every smell, sound and texture. She was an oasis to me and I drank in that time because I knew I would never have it again. Even with other children I knew it would never but THAT new and THAT frightening and THAT exhilarating. She was also a balm to my soul. Being with David has always made me feel healed and safe from all of the hurts of my youth - but Zoe made me COMPLETE. I was whole and finally had a clear direction and purpose. Never again would I stumble over titles or salaries - they didn't matter. I was Zoe's mom. I am Zoe's mom.

A rhythm developed of feedings and naps and I got my bearings. I cleaned my house every day and after a while had the "fifteen minute quick clean" going on. I watched Oprah and Martha Stewart and tried new recipes. I would go for long stretches, even DAYS at a time without ever thinking of work or the emails piling up in my in box. I existed in a cocoon of love and sleep deprivation.

As the time drew near for me to return to work I knew that it could never be the same. My priorities had shifted vastly and I no longer lived for the work that I did. David and I had always talked about finding a way for him to stay home with Zoe, I never dreamed I would feel the same way.

Like everything else so far though, she made it easy for us. She's a very social baby and much happier in the company of other people than just staying at home. She loves her daycare and I see her light up when we run into her providers in the grocery store or around town. They adore her as much as we do.

I'll get over this I'm sure. I'm very fortunate that she's only 5 minutes away and I can see her at lunch whenever I miss her too much. I'm getting back into the groove of work and enjoying my job again. But I still live for the evenings, when I get her home and out of her carseat and feel the sweet curve of her cheek against mine. She lets out this little sigh, and eats and goes to sleep and all is right with her world and mine now that we are...home.